Preparing for Easter an Unpublished Life

Recently, one of my dear friends reminded me that I have not posted on my blog since February. It has been on my list and I knew that I had written a few posts in my head but never had a chance to put my fingers to the keyboard. Today, I opened my blog account to begin a new post and saw this post that I never published. I guess this is a good place to begin.

Easter Eve
It is the night before Easter and yes I should be sleeping but instead I am up waiting for my freshly painted nails to dry. Choosing a dress 17 weeks postpartum (the body shape factor) while nursing (the access factor) makes finding the "perfect cheery one-piece attire" nearly impossible. After several meltdowns (children and parents), I settled on a black dress...yep black. To compensate, I decided to add a pop of color on my feet...shoes were in the running (no pun intended) but quite honestly the price tag of the pair that was oh so cute was less than adorable. Somehow my pink fingers and toes will simply have to step-up and represent.

These last months have been a struggle, nothing exposes your humanity more than postpartum depression...talk about needing a savior...needing grace...

Fast Forward
That is as far as I got in my writing and I never hit "publish post." Admittedly, I lost my voice. I have always pursued authenticity in all that I say and do...and my writing is no exception but honestly I wrestled with bringing the anxiety, the darkness, and the pain of this journey to a public forum especially since the trick of postpartum makes trusting anyone...including yourself a constant battle.

I sat down with a former professor of mine, someone who has an incredible ability to see and speak into the places in my soul that I did not even know existed. As we sat together at California Pizza Kitchen and reflected on my pregnancy, Neriyah's birth, her stay in the NICU, and all that comes with bringing a petite-sized, winter baby into a germ infested world it became clear that my postpartum episodes were triggered in a like fashion to post traumatic stress. Literally all it would take is a well intentioned person saying something along the lines of "Oh my goodness, your baby is so small" and I would feel myself begin to panic and then disassociate from the conversation just to remain in the room.

When I realized that I had postpartum, I told Jeremey, my mom, and a few friends that I knew could serve as the "ladder" and "flashlight" should the pit get too dark or deep to get myself out of on my own. I also began working out religiously during nap time because the medication prescribed addressed my anxiety constantly when in reality I only had the anxiety when I was triggered...as you can imagine anxiety meds when you are not anxious will simply flatten you and that is the last thing I needed while trying to muster the energy to care for my children. Let me just say that the cycle is vicious. If I went out in public, (which is hard not to do when you are a pastor's wife of a new church plant and living on a college campus) I would become triggered by something simple (even something intended to be sweet), then feel incredibly guilty for not being able to engage in conversation or not wanting to be with people, which only increased when I arrived home again. The rumination about my public inabilities was endless serving only as a fuel to the already burning depression.

Mommy Group
One of the defining days of this ordeal was during a "mommy meet-up." My mommy's group was gathering in a home to celebrate Easter. I had RSVP'd yes and convinced myself that I was able to go and that it would actually be good for me. As I drove to the meet-up that day, I could feel waves of anxiety washing over me, but not believing these symptoms, I pressed forward. By the time I arrived, I was in tears. I quietly wiped them away, and pressed forward having conversation after conversation with other moms. Two of the mom's had babies almost the exact age of my daughter and of course they were both much bigger children. As I talked, the storm was brewing. I was pushing back my own emotions about Neriyah's size and health while watching my son be bullied by another little girl. I remember the room feeling so incredibly big, as though I could not reach Gabe to protect him and yet simultaneously feeling the walls and air closing in on me. One of my mommy friends with whom I had shared my battle, was there that day, she simply sat me down, gathered my items, put my son's shoes on his feet and ushered me out the door. I sobbed as I drove back to her home where she cared for me until Jeremey arrived to take over.

In the Light
There were many lights and ladders during this time. I'll admit, I was amazed at how persistent my friends and family were at checking in...never allowing my "fine" to go undefined. The last couple of months the postpartum has lifted and though this has continued to be a busy and sometimes stress-filled season, my mind has been released.

Church, Babies, Therapy, Vacations
I could write for hours about this last season of life but in brief...we decided to stay in California and plant Radiant, a fabulous church in Garden Grove that is more work and fun than I ever imagined. Gabriel and Neriyah are both doing well. Gabe was bitten by our family dog in May and his face continues to look more healed each day. Neriyah has exceeded all of our expectations by crawling ahead of schedule. She is one determined young lady (not sure where she gets that from). I went back to my therapy practice this spring at Journeys and also began working at College Hospital (a psychiatric hospital for some of the most mentally ill patients in LA and Orange counties). I am hoping to finish my hours as well as to bring home a little extra bacon to allow us to send Gabriel to preschool. I felt a bit unsteady in this transition back to work but I am beginning to find my feet. Our family just returned from a rest in Sedona, AZ and shortly we will be heading to Minnesota and Wisconsin to visit family, friends, and see my sis get hitched (we like you Kevin!)

Blog Blog Blog
I hope to write again soon. Thanks for the encouragement to sit down and blog. Since I am taking requests and fulfilling them, I am now going to vacuum.